dad. i love you.

my beloved dad passed away on 23dec tuesday at 1132am. he was 55. cause of death is massive stroke. it was the "special" thing that i had been feeling was going to happen. if only i knew. there's alot of things i want to say to him and do with him and seek his forgiveness. he had gone to work as usual on friday 5pm. supposed to be at work by 8pm but didn't turn up. the next day after he didnt return from work around noon my mum called his office. his boss said he didn't turn up for work and thought he was at home sick. at 6pm we received a call saying he was in tan tock seng hospital icu. he was brought to the hospital by ambulance around 1pm. which means he suffered the stroke between 5-8pm on friday but someone only found him and called ambulance on saturday 1pm. that's almost 1 whole day! on the first day of hospitalisation when we just reached, we tried speaking to him. we saw him struggle to open his eyes but he just could not open them. then there were physical struggles like kicking about as though he was in great pain. the doctor explained to us on that day that he had suffered massive stroke (the whole of his left brain was affected and was swollen) and chances of recovery were very slim. as the day went by his condition got worse and he fell into a coma-like state. we slept at the hospital for the time being, not knowing what could happen and hoping for a miracle that he would wake up. sunday came, his condition got worse. monday, it got even more worse. tuesday morning we met with the doctor as usual and he said the same thing, his condition is worse. at 1132am he passed. my brother was by his bedside when it happened. so that was what happened.

i would like to thank all who have helped, prayed for him and supported us during this trying times. there's still a lot of grief within me that i am unable to express. i just hope it doesn't cause me to implode and depress again. for the time being i'm being strong for my mum and bro. however, i feel that as the days go by my strength is fading away. but i know, like what this blog is about, that this is my fight. i have to go on fighting for my loved ones.

on a brighter note, i made it into the ivp team. but for the time being i'm in line 3. i was hoping to make it to line 2 but nevermind. as long as i'm part of the team and not the supporting contingent like the past 2 years when ivp comes. ivp starts on monday 5jan. so fast.

fail

exams sucked. i think i'm gonna fail 3 mods including the 2 math mods i took this sem. haha math major failing his math mods. wts. argh i don't wanna think about exams stuff anymore till results are out on 23rd.

lately been feeling okay. mood back up to normal range. that's good i guess. i can't help thinking that something special is gonna happen soon. my intuition says so. my intuition is always wrong. haha. perhaps i'm gonna fail exams that's what's gonna happen. so i'd better enjoy this holidays as much as i can and i intend to.

training for ivp will be 4 times a week starting next week. got a friendly against ntu next wednesday. if coach comes down and settles the lines then it'll be a good gauge of where i stand in the team right now and how much work needs to be done. right now i feel like i'm number 6 or 7 in the pecking order. hope to get up to four by ivp. work starts now though. actually yesterday. had physical training. though i've been running regularly during the exam break, i wasn't prepared for the hilly roads of nus. the up slopes totally killed me man. but i went through with it and walked less than before which is good i guess. after training 5 of us ordered pizza and ate our stomachs out. haha gained back all the weight lost during pt.

i'm watching by the side as she goes on with her happy life and her happy other half. i can only think of the 'if only'. give it 5 years max and she'll be gone from my life forever. in the mean time, i'll just have to rilek one korner, as always, till the day comes.

good

a first positive post in some time..

the past couple of days have been good. let's start with today and go backwards. ok so today i woke up at 8am after sleeping for just 4 hours. just couldn't sleep maybe because i was rather high on saturday but more of that later. so there i was 8 plus nothing to do so i decided to go for a run. yes a run. been a long time since i last went for a run on my own and i thought, oh well since i have nothing better to do other than study for exams which at that point in time i wasn't in the mood to do so i just went to run. managed to run 2.4km. timing sucked though. 16mins. rough timing as i was using my ipod clock. forgot that my ipod has a stopwatch. maybe next time i'll remember. and next time will either be tomorrow or tuesday depending on whether i can wake up early again and be in the mood for running. i want to keep myself fit while training is suspended for exams. i hope i can keep on waking up early for morning runs till at least ivp.

i really want to make it for this year's ivp team. especially after the nightmare of last year having my spot in the team snatched away at the last moment no thanks to depression. i missed a lot of trainings and was very unfit, needless to say i lacked match fitness. so this year i want to make things right. however, my performances in training recently have dipped and it's causing me to lose interest in the game. and i'm also not accepting criticism correctly, positively. maybe after a few weeks break without floorball my desire to play will return. one thing that i feel is lacking in this year's team though is encouragement. there's hell lot of criticism everywhere but i feel that putting your thoughts in terms of encouragement would be a better way than to just criticise despite your good intentions. i don't know. maybe i'm being biased.

anyway, yesterday, saturday, 15 nov 2008. was a wonderful day. not long after i woke up, i checked my nus mail to find that the lecturer for probability had uploaded the midterm scores. first i read the average mark. 65. standard deviation 25. so if my interpretation is correct, the midterm scores across the board was between 40 to 90. i remember telling myself if i can get close to the 65 average that'd be fine. so off i went to check my score. 84. EIGHTY-FOUR!!! i couldn't believe my eyes! i'm just 6 marks off the top score! i went into delirium! never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined i would score so high for a module my assistant dean told me a year ago is the hardest level 2000 maths module. haha i still can't believe it. but to get my feet back on the ground i reminded myself that i failed my other maths module. linear algebra 2 got 14/40. i didn't prepare well for that test. i just wished that the probability midterm weightage was more than its 30%. now i'm confident of getting an A or at least a B for it. imagine me getting an A. it'll be my first in uni. but now it's my best chance and i want to prepare well for the exam.

so with the high spirits early on in the day, i got some work done by printing out all the notes that i needed for the 4 modules left which means admin stuff is done for the exams just need to study. then, night came and with that the premier league match between my beloved manchester united vs stoke city. i read the papers earlier in the day predicting a big 5-0 win for man utd. being the pessimist, i doubted man u would be able to score that many eventhough they were playing at home against a newly promoted side. i just hoped for a win. so the match started and after just a few minutes man u took the lead via a cristiano ronaldo trademark freekick. awesome. could they really go on to score 5?the half went on with no real threat on the stoke goal till near halftime when carrick scored. great timing for the goals so far. one when the match just started, one close to halftime. second half. within a few minutes united scored again! 3-0! really, could they score 5?? goal number 4 came towards the end of the match. great goal by welbeck a future prospect. so i thought okay 4-0 is good. but just a few minutes later ronaldo came up to score another freekick. this time curling around the wall instead of blasting through it which i think caught the keeper off guard. wow! it really happened! 5-0! woohoo!! but that's not the end of it, i switched to the arsenal match and saw arsenal trailing 0-2 to aston villa at 91mins. oh yeah! sweet revenge! pity my cousin who must have been cursing at the result. so that was the end of the high day. haha. just couldn't sleep after that.

backtrack to friday. whoa this is getting really long. i just want to talk about friday night. 5 cousins (+1 girlfriend) out to celebrate my brother and my birthday. went to the mind cafe at boat quay. played several games including pictionary which was quite fun. it amazes me how different people interpret things differently and draw. haha. then there was a 'shooting' game. not really shooting, just pointing the toy gun at whoever you want to shoot. almost won that game till i was shot in the last round. haha.

ok this has been a very long post. but a positive one. hopefully i can post more positive stuff in the future. in the mean time, it's back to studying and coping.

break

took an unofficial week's break from school this past week.really needed the break as i was very close to breaking down. went batam with the family for the weekend. had a good massage but felt under the weather. stomache seemed full of gas and ended up with fever when i came back. really sucks being sick. nothing feels right.

hopefully tomorrow i can restart my schooling engine once again and go for lectures, study etc. exams are in a month's time. not that much time to prepare. but i now think i can do it and pass all my modules, be it with just a D. hopefully it'll turn out well.

floorball's been alright. i feel that i'm regaining my touch and defensive instincts. the timing of my tackles is still a bit off but i'm confident i'll have it sorted out by ivp. speaking of which, i really hope i can make my debut ivp appearance this year. depression robbed me of that last year and year one was purely a learning experience in floorball. one major stumbling block though is the appointment of a new coach dennis. since he doesn't know me and my style of play, i'll have to prove myself all over again but i'm not the only one who needs to do so.

floorball girls having a friendly vs sim tomorrow. will be going down to support them and perhaps ref a bit though i really suck at being a ref. a good ref needs to be decisive and firm with his decisions which i'm not. anyway i hope they can win and sort of avenge the ivp 07/08 finals loss. having trained with them for these few months, i can feel a sense of attachment to them and i really want them to do well and win that elusive gold for this year's ivp.

that's it for now. hopefully my next entry won't be about another hospital stay.

freaking

i am so stressed right now i'm freaking out. i've run out of people to talk to i don't know who else i can turn to. school is really giving me a big headache. i'm really not sure if i'll be able to graduate. i don't want to go back into hospital coz it'll mean i'll miss more lessons and be pushed further behind. but as day turns to night, the longer i'm holding on, the harder it is. hard to control my emotions, hard to fight away the recurring symptoms like having the urge to cut myself. i wish i could just cry. it'll help a lot. but i just cannot find tears in my eyes. everything is stuck inside of me i can't release it. been doing push ups to vent my frustrations but it doesn't help anymore and i can't do anymore push ups. i have this great feeling my life will end up as a failure. the biggest failure of all. it's like in a match, the dying seconds of it, and your team is down by 10 goals. there's no way you can win already. what is the point of fighting anymore i just don't see it. fight for a lost cause? the cause is already lost. there is no gain. losing is everything. everything is lost.

tomorrow is appointment with the good ol doctor. i know he will increase the dosage of my medicines. i doubt he will ward me unless i request to be warded. i said above that i don't wanna go back hospital but there's a small part of me which says it's better if i go. for my own good. but it's still hari raya visiting season. i don't want to rob my family of another season of goodwill and happiness. yet, the feeling i have inside me, it's indescribable.

oh man.. the urge grows ever stronger. =(

fail

midterm break has come and almost nearly gone. my preparations for midterm tests next week have ground to a halt. brain just cannot take it anymore. i think i'm gonna fail at least 3 modules this sem. ss and the two core maths modules. then i think next sem i will fail more modules. i just cannot see myself graduating from nus. as days go by, the more it looks like i'll have to fall back on teaching degree at nie. just hope that if i do need to go that route, i can teach P.E. cos as long as i'm on track to teach P.E. i think i'll be fine since it's what i would really love to do. but back to the present, i will just keep on lumbering this sem and next and see my results. i know it'll be damn hard to convince my parents that my future does not lie in nus unless i get like warning letter for cap below 2.0 or something. haiz there's really a lot of invisible pressure on me to graduate from nus. it's invisible but i can feel every bit of it and it's really getting me down. a lot of that pressure can be relieved if i get to learn and own a bike but parents are totally against it. a car would be best but bike will do too since car is so damn ex to maintain here.

raya is coming in a few days and this week's been paint the house week. bit by bit, part by part, now basically all the major painting is done. left with some touching up here and there. the house seems to be about set for raya. oh we haven't buy this year's baju yet! haha. i think we'll be going jb on monday and probably buy it then. no kuih also. haiz monday spent in jb, tuesday have two tests. fail la. just f it.

man utd vs bolton on tv now. tataz.

this is how u remind me

had appointment with psychologist today. so far i've been so busy with school and trainings and matches that i've hardly had time to feel any emotions. just so busy. drowned in busyness. but something the psychologist asked just now that suddenly made me go *bang!* whoa! i was reminded of something i don't wish to be reminded of. he asked,"how's the girl?" i was stunned speechless. just lost for words. my tone suddenly went down. i thought i had put those things behind me but he just had to bring it up. i guess it's his job to make sure and cover all angles. didn't tell him much. couldn't tell him much too since i haven't really been in contact with her. let's put it this way, i watched as she walked away and she continues to walk away. there's nothing i can do to stop her, it's her wish. all i can hope for is for time to heal her wounds and she would stop going further. i've tried to move on. i've kept myself busy to distract myself. it worked, only till now. the heartache is back. but i do not wish to repeat my mistakes. this time i'll let myself and only myself deal with the heartache without expressing it to anyone especially her. although i miss having a heart to heart conversation.

been performing below par in both hockey and floorball recently. the drive to perform is lacking. not sure if it's cos it's fasting month and i'm taking things easy. or i've just lost my ability. which is worse. i need something to push me. i'm not self-motivated enough. not at this point.

old and new

crap loads of things have happened since my last post so i guess it's time for me to update. haven't had much time to blog anyways.

first, was hospitalized (again) in 2nd week of school can't remember the exact date. was in for about a week. was completely flat out depressed la. totally felt no reason to live. suicidal. perhaps it's because i kept thinking about my past failures and how foolish i had been and kept re-living those mistakes over and over again. it made my mood during the week prior to admission rather low. the final nail in the coffin came when i got rejected. by someone. i think it hurt me more since she had, during the short time i knew her, provided me with the light at the end of my tunnel. she had made me so very happy beyond this world but alas it was taken away just as swiftly. too suddenly it seemed. so everything turned dark. again. and i couldn't stand the darkness anymore. but as luck would have it, on that day i had an appointment with psychologist so i told him of my plans before i could act on it thus saving this person's life. update: it still seems dark now. i don't know how to get that light back. but i'm no longer suicidal.

next, school and training. my days are power packed with school and/or training except monday and certain sundays. tuesday is my longest day with lectures 12pm to 8pm then i will go girls floorball training till 930pm. i feel that i still need to attend their training to regain my touch plus work on my fitness. wednesday it's lectures 12pm to 4pm then guys floorball training 6pm to 10pm. shiok. training nowadays is more intense than previous years. still, i can't wait for physical training to start on thursdays. ah thursday. it's tutorial day 9am to 3pm. struggle to wake up in the morning from the exertions of the previous two days. friday is okay. lectures 4pm to 8pm then some combined uni hockey training at ntu till 10pm. i will usually leave lecture early to reach ntu by 730pm. saturday is floorball training 1230pm to 4pm. then some sundays will have hockey match with dMasters. then it starts all over again. power.

at the recently concluded comex my parents bought an early birthday present for me. a new laptop! woohoo! it's a fujitsu tablet. always wanted a tablet. plus my old lappy battery can now last a mere one hour. this new one can last up to four! i'm quite happy that i got a new lappy but somehow, it feels like there's something still missing in me. back to square one.

i just don't feel complete. having felt what it's like to be happy thank's to a certain someone, then having that same someone take it all away is just... no words can describe the disappointment and heartache. i've put those feelings behind me yet i cannot move on. i feel a certain emptiness inside me. not knowing how to fill it or whether it will ever be filled. i feel like crying but tears evade me. i wish this loneliness could end and end soon. otherwise, i think it will hamper my full recovery.

wah what a long post. end.

new

been a month since my last post. guess i should update this blog. feel like blogging aniwaez.

the past month has been particularly difficult. had to deal with a very low mood the whole time as well as some hallucinations both visual and audible. ended with a week's stay in hotel Ward 12. dr roger was pretty keen on discharging me as early as possible so that i can continue my studies. like he said, this is my last chance at completing studies in nus. no more mc. no more leave of absence. final opportunity. kinda puts a lil pressure on me but i think i'm fine with it. so the hotel stay left me with an additional mood stabiliser to take every night. sighz. got 7 pills to swallow every night =(

on a brighter note, school restarted this week and i'm glad to say i'll be taking 6 modules this semester instead of the usual 5 since i'm 1 module short. and one of the modules is... chinese! yes! i'll be learning basic conversational and written chinese this semester! haha. and i managed to bid for it without bombing my points. i must say so far the chinese lessons have been very refreshing compared to the usual lectures. maybe it's because of my interest in learning the subject. even then, i have to tell myself that i only gotta last 13 weeks. after that i'll get a break. 13 weeks. that's all he's asking from u.

as for today..i don't know why but i feel so happy and excited today. so much so that it translated into a pretty good performance during training. i have not felt this happy in such a loooong time! i'm glad that it has come. thank God for it =))) on another happy note, i have made a new friend! a floorball girl. feels great to achieve something like that in an environment that doesn't really gives much chance of such things happening.

ok enough for now. ta ta!

frust

i am very frustrated. i don't know why. just very frustrated. maybe because i want to do stupid things to myself but i don't want to. frust.

floorball camp has come and gone. so fast. first day was freaking tiring. started with 10km run then training then eat then games then more floorball then eat then sleep. day two went sentosa chill slack rilek jack play swim then eat then watch kung fu panda then play drinking games till 5 plus in the morning then cannot sleep so chill at fong seng till 7 plus then breakfast at engin then mini floorball tournament. oh day three alredi. i must say 3v3 floorball is so much more fun than 5v5. we should play 3v3 more often.

i don't know whether to check in or not. i'll try to tahan a few more days see how.

bad

not feeling too good. feel like to doing bad things. feel like i'm constantly being watched.

didnt post anything in june. oh well. got B+ for principles of econs. which is not bad. a little better than i expected. my best grade so far.

floorball camp on thursday. yay. sick of floorball.

jaded

i'm jaded as far as floorball's concerned. it's all so very routine. maybe i've been doing defending too much. a change of position would mean new things to learn and perhaps that would make me more interested in the game. the game itself though is rather boring. perhaps it's because of our style of play. nobody bar 1 or 2 people can actually do things out of the box. perhaps there's too much running or sometimes not enough running into the correct positions. i don't feel like going training on saturday. but i'll probably go since there's nothing else to do. and saturday night there'll be some birthday celebrations over at changi beach. wonder what we're gonna do other than chilling.

if only i can inject myself with some talent. or maybe fitness level up. lots of levels up. what if we can inject ourselves with anything in the world like.. intelligence? what would happen if everybody were smart? i think it'd be quite interesting but at times rather boring. nobody would be doing stupid things. i don't know. what do you think? hmmmm....

sheeeeeeshaaaaaaaa

had a great time sheesha-ing wif don n khai n chillin at al azhar. looong time since i chilled like that and it looks like a looong time before i can do it again. don's dilemma: will we still be chillin like we are 5 years down the road? God knows but i sure hope so. that's if i'm still around in this world. i think i should be a lot more stable once i finish my uni studies. if i can complete it. i really want to finish as fast as possible but i can't put too much pressure on myself or i'll go haywire.

before chillin, had school 10-12 and floorball clinic 430-6. i must say i've been pretty jaded by floorball for the past few weeks until the session today. i just couldn't figure it out. floorball didn't seem to be as fun as before, just very boring doing the same old things almost like a routine. i needed a change or just something to inject life into my floorball game. that's when i resorted to hockey. went for a hit around sometime last week. felt so much better after that though my hockey skills have dropped tremendously from lack of training or playing for that matter. for a while hockey seemed a lot more exciting than floorball.

but i think the clinic injected some life into my floorball. had a good hour and a half of basics. just basics. at the end of it my wrist shot improved. i think. well i hope so. heh. wednesday we'll see at training. must use more upper body rotation instead of just focusing on the arms for power. i knew that for the longest time but i just couldn't seem to do it. but i'm still shooting better on the wrong (right) foot. i just can't feel as stable shooting on the left foot. aniwaez, looking forward to the studying session with dons before training after tutorial. get some studying done before the last minute rush. i'm midway through the special sem already.

i'm reluctant to say it but life's been alright so far. yeah so far. don't wanna suddenly fall into relapse again once i say everything's okay. the anti-depressants should be just about beginning to work. yet i don't really feel that much different other than not having thoughts of harming myself. school is keeping me occupied mondays to wednesdays. now training will resume on wednesday and saturday. i still don't know how to fill my thursdays n fridays. hoping for people to ask me out but i guess they're busy. then once special sem ends in about 3 weeks time i once again find myself with nothing to do on most days. haiz. i really dread not having things to do to occupy myself. the chances of relapsing will be so high. hopefully i'll be stable enough by then to stay okay.

finally got my hands on teenage mutant ninja turtles movie. the first one not the recent animated movie. the last time i watched it was donkey years ago. gonna watch it tomorrow afternoon after school. yeah!

long entry for the lack of updating. i guess that's all for now.

hi

hello.yet again i return.from another week in hospital.feeling better now than i was at the last post.played floorball today.not that fun but ok la.gonna have mothers' day dinner celebrations at uncle's house tonight.school starts on monday.

school starts on monday.

bye

i just want to end it all. i've been so much trouble for so many people. they deserve better. i don't want to keep being a nuisance for all of them. they'd be better off with me gone. i'm sorry but that's the way i think. there'll be no more going back and forth to the hospital for them.

i'm so sorry.

back again

oh hello bloggiee.was away for the last week of april cos i got admitted again.was having delusionary suicidal thoughts.yet, after 3 days out discharged, i don't feel any better. felt more at ease when i was in the ward. tonight i'm trying to sort of ride out the night and thoughts. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow i'll feel a lot better than now. now i just feel like going back to the ward. but when i'm in there i just wanna come out. stuck between 2 places. i know i can't keep depending on the ward to keep me safe. i need to learn to think safely and positively. but i can't help but think that depression is slowly creeping back into my life again. been about 2 months since i went off meds for depression. for some reason, it was a sudden stop. part of me felt glad it ended to quickly but now. haiz.

school's starting in a week. wonder what would happen then.

trouble

troubled times ahead it seems. i might have some problems going on in the near future. struggling to keep going. struggling to find things to keep me going. might fall back to the depressed state. really hope i don't.

if you could. be here. with me. by my side. right now. i'll never let u go.

1 more year

sometimes i still do get negative thoughts like i can't go on, i can't do it but so far i've been able to push those thoughts away and insert positive ones. the doc said i've made good progress but it'll take about another year before he can start discussing to take me off meds. one more year of waking up at 8 every morning to pop pills. hopefully things go well from here.

got my first pay yesterday after completing the week's tuition. yay! i feel so much richer now. aniwae i think the kid has potential especially in maths. need to work harder for his english.

the only one

she's the only one. no matter what i do, haiz, there's nothing i can do. except sit back and watch as the lil gurl continues to grow up. she's not gonna go away and i can't run away. we'll always be tied. our paths going side by side, never connecting. even for a brief moment. i wish i could say it all. but it'll just be like last time. move apart, only to come closer again. closer, but not close enough.

gonna start reducing my ciggie count. shall start with 8. rationing is the way to go for now. slowly reduce daily intake.

quit?

isit time to quit smoking?been thinking about it lately. just thinking though. cos i'm now at 10 sticks a day. that's half a pack. having to buy another pack every 2 days is just..broking me. but i'm totally hooked now. it's also a way to pass time. haiz..

tuition starts on tuesday.

hockey

tmr gonna look around at hockey sticks. dunno whether to get sam's one or a new one. nevermind just go look around tmr. gonna play div2 hockey with src. that's if i'm accepted on friday. hope i am. looooong time never touch hockey stick already. lost my touches everything. fitness dont need to say la. need to get turf shoes also. hmm i think i wrote this already. nevermind just type again. nothing to do anyways. going supper later with the floorball peeps at sheares.

Saints 3 - 3 RP Salibandy

yeah we did it! we'll be playing in div1 next season! woohooo! and we almost won. maybe should've won. took the lead 3 times but all 3 times they came back to equalise. kept a clean sheet again =) okay so the season is finally over. done. finish.

now to hockey. think (if i can) i'll join src for div2. means i gotta get a hockey stick. n turf shoes. more shopping! they have training every friday. something to look forward to after the floorball season.

pre-match

harlo! feeling nice and confident before today's final league match vs rp salibandy. it's been said that if we played the way we did vs nemesis + take our chances, we can get a result today. i also feel confident that even if we do lose (hope not), we'll still be able to stay up in div1. which is i don't think ssb and ntu will draw (hope not). as for the league champion, i hope moosemen and innebandy draw then zarf can win. played vs all three teams and i've been most impressed with zarf, the way they play. well, we shall see what happens later in the day....

Saints 0 - 2 Nemesis

we could have won it in the first 2 periods. especially the first. but our shooting let us down. me included. had several attempts on goal none of which hit the target. haiz. in the end the lack of defenders, we only had 2 defensive pairs, meant that our dear defenders were totally shagged out by the fast forwards they had. good thing is if we keep the intensity of this match for our last game vs rp we might just get a result. but 2 defensive pairs is really 2 defenders too few.

i don't understand girls.

thank you to whoever left the comment. would be glad if u left ur name/link next time =)

joy of airhooking

bought unihoc evo3 CURVE yesterday.haha. cost me $250!now i'm so broke.but at least i finally have the curve!gonna unleash the curve tonight.think i'll take some time to get used to it though.furthermore it's shorter than my other sticks.hope it's long enough...oh i can finally airhook!with the evo3 hook blade la...haha

found a very nice quote: "if the mind yearns for something strong enough, the body can sometimes perform above its limitations." kool huh....

applied for several jobs including relief teaching.there's this ambulance driver job that's screaming at me to apply for it.i dunno.something's holding me back.should i go for it?

i really feel like a brand new person.but one with a darkened past.

div1

haiz cant really sleep.now my eyes are stinging. gots a match vs blacks later but i'm not well rested.hope i won't be as sluggish n soft as during yesterday's training.it's a must win match and i really wanna win.the season's not over, anything can happen in the last 3 matches so i think we still have an outside chance of staying up in div1. what an achievement it'll be if we manage to pull it off. we certainly can't let in too many goals and they've proved that they can score at this level. they've even scored more than we have so far. what really bugs me is that we've been rather toothless going forward. nobody really dictating the play ups. well, we didn't have the preparation the Saints team of 2007 had and sadly the commitment in training is lacking from this year's team. but what's done is done, three quarters of the season is already over. last week's result was really disappointing especially since we played quite well. hope it spurs on the guys even more to win today.

hey F1's starting again today. gotta check the race schedules. haiz i still can't find tamiya stuff anywhere. i wanna buy a diy car model. anybody knows where i can find such stuff??let me know k.i'll give u a thousand kissesss.haha ciaozzzz

back home

hello. i'm back. belated post. the wednesday after my last post, i got admitted again. stayed for 3 weeks till last wednesday. i must say the stay this time round was a lot better than previously. the first week i had hassan, a smoking buddy to hang around with. the second week i played scrabble every morning with uncle raj. the third week i had kak mala to hang around with and pour out our feelings at each other. so it wasn't the boring i wanna get out asap kind of stay. although towards the end when i felt a lot better like a normal person i started wanting to get out and taste normal life again. a little something of what i've done the past week since discharge:

the night of the discharge went training =) sunday night had a must win relegation battle vs singapore school boys. similar to the ntu game, we went 3-1 up but lost 3-4 in the end. managed to keep a cleen sheet for my defensive pair though. felt my overall performance was pretty good despite the thigh strain and ankle dunno what. then yesterday took my first drive since discharge. feels good to be driving again. later will be going shopping with 2 of my cuzzins. gotta add that "magic" muscle spray to my shopping list cos my thigh's really killin me.

i think i've been going at it the wrong way. i kept wanting to have my old life back when in fact, i'm sort of a different person now than who i was. so it's time to start a new life. what's past is past. i can't be who i was anymore. i've gotta change. times have changed. situations have changed. relationships have changed. it's a new life that i've got to look forward to. it's been a long while since i last felt like a normal person. i hope this lasts.

slash

feel like slashing my forehead. let the blood flow down my face. maybe even rip my scalp apart. got about an hour to resist. going training after that. if i can resist it.

boredom

i need to find something to do to fill up my time. floorball can only take up so much of my time there's still a million hours each day spent doing nothing which just makes me sleep and sleep and sleep till sleeping doesn't feel like resting anymore. rest is certainly missing. sleep is just to make time past faster.

going cafe del mar later with i don't who for sw's birthday. at least i gets to drive. and do something. hopefully there'll be lots of laughs with the same company again. kool peeps.

everything is just simmering underneath it all. WHAT LIES BENEATH. true. it's all lying beneath a facade. that's the current tactic so to speak. to keep it under wraps for as long as humanly possible and longer.

i think i should cut the salming stick. then it'll become the attacking stick. fatpipe can become the defending stick. then curve can be 2-in-1. can't wait to get the curve.

CNY

tough. that's the only word for it. trying to keep it up for another day or two since the tickets have already been purchased and paid for. it's either i crumble when i get back or i just feel a lot better. hopefully it's the latter but you never know. in the mood to self-destruct again.

he just tries as hard as he can but when it comes to the crunch, he isn't strong enough to face up to the challenge. at the end of the day, he is on his own. oh man this is so freakin tuff.

Saints 1 - 14 Innebandy

yesterday. at least we got a goal. the team played better than last week. i scored an own goal. didn't play much again cos fitness still not up there yet. timing n touches getting there. not too bad la. the only way we can go is up so it's good.

today. went fatpipe. bought stick n grip. spent $210. freak 27 is the stick. quite light. new experience though it reminds me of my first stick. $190 for one piece of equipment. hope it lasts. new nick: syafreak27. so it's a good thing my jersey number nowadays is 27.

tomorrow. hopefully will make it to the mixed hit around session tomorrow. then can try out the new stick.

now. feeling kinda down. i think it's cos i'm very tired. haiz. i can't be tired. when i'm tired i have a very high chance of getting an episode. it feels so easy to give up now. if there isn't hit around session tomorrow i think i'd have given up alredi. argh it's so tough. read the letters again yesterday. one of it said "at least we don't give up". hope to find some inspiration from that. i kinda miss that place. sgh ward 46a. plus having that medication which made me eat like mad. if only that pill didn't cost so much. wouldn't mind eating it.

ok. i'm losing grip.

desire

i think i could have my life back! was close to another episode but somehow i managed to fight it off. i'm so happy. i did it! finally! could this be the start of a new beginning? i hope so. things are once again looking bright. fewer posts here also seem to indicate positivity =)

been on the up and up ever since dear doc increased the anti-depressants. i think now it's beginning to work and i'm feeling much better. better for me, better for all. thank you for your patience in helping me get through those difficult periods. now what i need is continuity. oh please, please, please let me get a bike license.

i hope it's not a false sense of self-belief.

Saints 0 - 12 ZARF

thrashed again. expected la this one. they played very fair n really outclassed us. we didnt play too bad actually. was only 2-0 down after 1st period. didnt play much today cos i dunno why but just so tired. ended up puking midway thru 3rd period. long time since i last ran until i puked. the feeling after puking was very nice though. very relieved.

he's in need of your constant attention. something you cannot give.

running on empty

the past few days have been pretty good considering what's been happening recently. finally drove again today after more than a month. just a short drive from adam road food centre back home. hopefully i can drive to the match tomorrow. then dad can come home and get some much needed sleep.

oh ya i forgot to mention a clean sheet for line 1 last match. but we still lost so wtf.

i know what i need. it is something which i cannot get. not right now. and i'm slowly beginning to believe that i won't ever get it. i always tried to be honest. this is what i get in return. been trying to be strong for those around me. i think they've gone through a lot to get me this far. please note, there's only so much i can do. don't expect too much. i could fail at any time.

oh ya again. burnt a patch of hair on tuesday. now there's sort of a bald spot at the front of my head. quite ugly.

Saints 3 - 4 NTU Hurricanes

wastedddd. we really should've won this one. like what sw said, "too bad floorball is a game of 3 periods not 2." i think 70% of my board passes were cut off today :(

i don't know what else to say. had some things on my mind just now but they all just vanished into thin air. aniwaez i'm so tired that i've become fresh. oh ya. i can't get too tired. otherwise i'll go crazy. my thoughts will just go crazy. the facade is going quite well. i don't seem at all depressed. just depends on how long i can keep it going.

can somebody read my mind?

Saints 2 - 12 Moosemen

not bad. better than expected. quite surprised we managed 2 goals. almost freaking fainted on the court in the middle of 2nd period. lack of oxygen in the body. was yawning like mad everytime i was sitting at the bench. its ntu tomorrow but i'm just so tired.

i don't know how many games i'll play. i don't know how long more i can stay away from hospital. it seems i'm getting closer and closer to another hospital stay instead of recovery.

only you can make me smile. genuinely. the rest is a facade.

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect
but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
But nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

nice song. something i had to do was done not too long ago. i really rather not do it but i had to. not for me. what's done is done. i shall have to live with the consequences of my actions. i just wish........ it put a genuine smile on my face.

med

so the recently prescribed med wasn't working. it's off the list. anti-depressants have been increased. was wondering when it was gonna happen. clearly something isn't right. ok whatever. i'm just so tired. sleeping doesn't help. just feel like lying around all day all night. gots a match tomorrow. i think i'll be very lethargic. things aren't going so well at the moment. it hasn't been going well for a long time.

at the end of the day, they can only do so much. it's up to you to prioritise. he lacks the ability to do so. if you can understand.

more

more cuts. more pain. more suffering. this is the only place left where i can rest. suffering. that's right. i'm suffering. it hurts so much that i've become so numb. i wanna run away.

blame me. think what you like. strength has eluded me. yet i'm still here. somehow. i don't know why i'm still here. or what's keeping me here. after all that has happened, i still want to be here.

it's not your fault. i'm only you. (what??)

parts

part of me wants to go on. part of me has died. i know not when which part will surface. in pieces i now am. many many pieces. more than humpty dumpty. heh.

loser

it's a neverending battle. every single moment i'm faced with thoughts of how to best hurt myself without having to go to hospital. if it's not physical pain, it's emotional pain. when will all of this stop? will it ever end?

the guy's match put everything into perspective. what does it mean to you? do you care enough to be emotional or do you just move on like nothing happened. "it's only a game afterall". what you have failed to realise that in the game of life, you only have one chance to prove your worth. there's no such thing as second chances. lose and you will lose your life forever. you may get up after you fall but the fact is, you fell! and by falling, i don't know. i don't have the energy or desire to get up. i'm tired of being pushed on to keep on going. can't you see? just like a game, some win while others lose. perhaps i'm one of those who just has to lose.

the losing mentality has been bred onto me since i was a kid. i don't know how to win. winning feels wrong. losing is the right thing to do. when i lose, others will win. everybody's happy. i am happy to lose?

in this lifetime of sadness, i long for that one moment of joy. one that perhaps could rekindle the light at the end of the tunnel. i thought i found that moment but it turns out i was wrong. now i have to look elsewhere. time is running out for me. can you help me find it?

none needed

to do it would be worse than killing myself. perhaps it's the only way out of this. to let it all come out. truth be told.

ready for it here we go

it's time to move away. without ever saying goodbye. slowly but surely leaving the place of comfort. to find a certain answer to the endless questions. let the truth be hidden. it's time to move away. go now or forever be stuck in the middle of nothing.

words of encouragement fill me with angst. perhaps i do not feel understood. perhaps i am asking for too much and giving away too little. shhhh it shall never be known.

saints training

went to train today despite what happened yesterday. i really wanted to go. was waiting for it the whole week n it kept me going though at times i didnt feel like playing. aniwaez today's training was alrite. getting my touch n timing back. just still very unfit n slowww. but overall i think it's the best performance since i first got admitted.

next sat n sun we'll be having our first two matches for league. this after having just one training in our lines. haha. at least 4/5 of my line is the same as last year so we sort of know each other's style. still need to train together though.


as i sat there waiting, i wondered, is it really worth it? i've become so dependent on ppl that i guess i'm afraid of living my own life by myself, needing someone to be there with me all the way. i just dont know how to be alone.

lost yesterday

yesterday.terrible day.lost control of myself, my mind. cos i was just so frustrated and i couldn't let it out. apparently, as narrated by my family members, this is what i did:
burnt my hair with a lighter (juz a little bit before my dad saw n stopped me)
scratched the scars
poured water n tea on myself when given to drink
threw bread when given to eat
kicked the wall
walked round n round n round n round around the dining table
kept getting up to walk after sitting/lying down
kept trying to go out of the house (my mum locked the gate)
tried to hit my head against a few things

apparently it all lasted several hrs. from abt noon till abt 8? 9? when i 'woke up'. they called some 'spiritual healers' n i supposedly became violent. they insist i was disturbed by some cant be seen things. i dont know what to believe alredi. oh the ambulance came n i didnt wanna go hospital so they let me sign some form n they left. police came too to support the ambulance ppl just in case. n my jaw freaking hurts now.

it DOES help

yes it HELPS! better than any of the drugs those docs have been giving me. all it needed was a few cuts and there u have it. the feeling of blood rushing down my hand was just awesome! the adrenalin rush. is this the answer i've been looking for?

feeling alot better now. not as frustrated. not as stressed. not as depressed. sort of on a high. lets see how long the effects of the new 'drug' will last.

now to find a place to hide my weapon of choice before it gets confiscated by them guards again.

oh no..

it's silently killing me inside as i try to suppress it with every breath i take. it wouldn't take much for everything to burst out.

i'm falling deeper and deeper into somewhere i shouldn't be. this could potentially be a trigger.

on a lighter note, a good friend said he wants to see me back on the courts and playing again. it gives me great encouragement when someone tells me something like that, when someone is surprised that i'm not playing. yes i was good. but being the impatient person that i am, i guess i want to get back to that level immediately. sometimes i feel like i could have done the job if i was selected but i know it would have been a big risk. hitting around just confirms that the decision was correct. i'm really totally out of shape.

just an update on the meds i'm on:
fluoxetine 40mg
lamotrigine 100mg
sulpiride 400mg

i have a feeling i'm getting the side effects from the newly prescribed lamotrigine. muscle aches and fatigue. it's hampering my recovery process. next appointment is next week.

run

not running away. just went for a run this afternoon.
2.4km timing: 13:52
20min distance: 2900m
hopefully more runs to come. reduce the timing, increase the distance.

silently living on the edge these days. it'll just take a little tiny itch and there you have it. gone.

official diagnosis

the latest official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. depressive kind.

feeling very frustrated right now. the thoughts juz don't seem to go away.

really need to talk to someone.

can you be there?

Happy? 2008

what happened between the last post and now is... 3 periods of hospital stays, loads of misery, extreme loss of fitness, dropped from team, extreme loss of interest in everything.
imh is a prison in disguise.

head's full of negativity and i can't get it to stop. it's not something i can just snap out of.

i'm feeling sick =(