old and new

crap loads of things have happened since my last post so i guess it's time for me to update. haven't had much time to blog anyways.

first, was hospitalized (again) in 2nd week of school can't remember the exact date. was in for about a week. was completely flat out depressed la. totally felt no reason to live. suicidal. perhaps it's because i kept thinking about my past failures and how foolish i had been and kept re-living those mistakes over and over again. it made my mood during the week prior to admission rather low. the final nail in the coffin came when i got rejected. by someone. i think it hurt me more since she had, during the short time i knew her, provided me with the light at the end of my tunnel. she had made me so very happy beyond this world but alas it was taken away just as swiftly. too suddenly it seemed. so everything turned dark. again. and i couldn't stand the darkness anymore. but as luck would have it, on that day i had an appointment with psychologist so i told him of my plans before i could act on it thus saving this person's life. update: it still seems dark now. i don't know how to get that light back. but i'm no longer suicidal.

next, school and training. my days are power packed with school and/or training except monday and certain sundays. tuesday is my longest day with lectures 12pm to 8pm then i will go girls floorball training till 930pm. i feel that i still need to attend their training to regain my touch plus work on my fitness. wednesday it's lectures 12pm to 4pm then guys floorball training 6pm to 10pm. shiok. training nowadays is more intense than previous years. still, i can't wait for physical training to start on thursdays. ah thursday. it's tutorial day 9am to 3pm. struggle to wake up in the morning from the exertions of the previous two days. friday is okay. lectures 4pm to 8pm then some combined uni hockey training at ntu till 10pm. i will usually leave lecture early to reach ntu by 730pm. saturday is floorball training 1230pm to 4pm. then some sundays will have hockey match with dMasters. then it starts all over again. power.

at the recently concluded comex my parents bought an early birthday present for me. a new laptop! woohoo! it's a fujitsu tablet. always wanted a tablet. plus my old lappy battery can now last a mere one hour. this new one can last up to four! i'm quite happy that i got a new lappy but somehow, it feels like there's something still missing in me. back to square one.

i just don't feel complete. having felt what it's like to be happy thank's to a certain someone, then having that same someone take it all away is just... no words can describe the disappointment and heartache. i've put those feelings behind me yet i cannot move on. i feel a certain emptiness inside me. not knowing how to fill it or whether it will ever be filled. i feel like crying but tears evade me. i wish this loneliness could end and end soon. otherwise, i think it will hamper my full recovery.

wah what a long post. end.