lonely

been feeling ever so lonely of late. not that i haven't been feeling lonely for the past 6months or so. just that, ever since my dad passed away, i have to spend the daytime all by myself. used to have him for company cos he worked nights on the new flight schedule so he'll be around at home in the day and many afternoons we spent chilling out drinking teh tarik. he introduced me to teh tarik drinking a couple of years back. now, when i have the urge to drink teh tarik in the afternoon, which is quite often btw, i usually end up drinking alone. which sucks shit. i'll always be thinking of him when i'm at our usual haunts and for that period of time that i'm there i can't help but to be emo and listen to emo songs. all this has made me realise how much i took him, his presence, for granted. i never thought he'd go so early. i always thought he'll be there on my graduation, on my wedding, playing with my children his grandchildren. i'm still in some shock cos he passed away so suddenly. i remember the last day we spent together like it was yesterday. he came home from work around noon, i borrowed the car to go buy tickets for the singapore vietnam suzuki cup semifinal with my cuz. after buying the tickets we went back to my place and he was doing his office work in the living room. at around five, he sent my mother to work on the way to his office and that was the last time i spoke to him, kissed his hand. i wish i had hugged him. his last words to me, just like any other day he'd leave for work, were "take care".

i don't know how long more i can put up this brave front. i'm crumbling inside. it's like a disease which eats the life out of you from inside. like my previous blog "death from within". but i guess there's a reason why this blog is called "this is my fight". this IS my fight. to overcome the challenges that i face. like depression. it'd be so easy to fall back into a depressed mode but i'm trying my very best to move on and live life to the fullest. because what i've learnt from my dad's passing is that life is VERY short and u never know when your time will come to leave this material world and enter the afterlife. it's a painful lesson but pain with purpose.

i really need a long chat with someone but i don't know how to say what i need to say, hence, this entry. talk to me if u have the time. maybe i can help with some of your own problems.