heart

quite a lot of things have happened this past week. i shall blog in chronological order.

last tuesday, last week, not yesterday, went girls training to loosen up as i was feeling rather tense and worked up. about what i cannot remember already. must have been the usual stuff. but that's not the point. the point is, after training i had one of the best hours of my life to date. just the two of us, eating and talking as though we've known each other forever. she put a smile in my heart. and before i knew what was happening, my life felt complete again. as though she's the one thing i've been searching for all this while.

the next day, wednesday, she came for guys training cos she was to go trials for national women's team that weekend. she wanted to train. to not be afraid of her opponents. we didnt go makan after that tho. she said she needed to go home. but a meeting was booked for friday for durians! had a craving for durians at that time.

nothing much happened on thursday except i tried to sms and call her a few times to confirm the next day's meeting. yet she didnt reply or return my calls. i wondered what could have happened to her.

friday came. still no answer in the morning. then around noon she replied. her phone was rather spoilt so she couldn't reply earlier. okay, so i thought. but she had also forgotten about our durian outing. sadness engulfed me. she was to meet her gf. friday night, relatives from kl and brunei came to stay for the weekend. they reached at 10pm, about an hour late, by train. klassik choochoo train.

saturday, dropped my relatives off at suntec city for them to go sightseeing the whole day then i went for training. she didn't come for training cos i suppose she wanted to rest before her trials. after training, sms-ed her about the trials. no reply.

sunday, took my relatives out for the day. first we went to mint museum of toys at seah street. will upload photos on facebook. pretty cool stuff there. they have like really old school toys and some of them can fetch US$5000 per toy. amazing. after that we headed to suntec city where they continued on their second day of the package thingy they signed up for including duck tour, hippo bus ride etc. in the mean time mum and i went roaming around suntec. rendezvous with them around 3pm, had quick lunch then off to i can't remember where. but at night we went to vivocity for dinner. oh we went sim lim square. they wanted to look for psp and digicam. the kids were supposed to get to play at the wading pool at vivo but by the time we got there it was already late so we only had enough time to eat before the place closed. headed home after a long twelve hour outing. fell asleep when the traffic light was red. haha first time i fell asleep while driving.

monday. another day of outings with them. but not as long as the day before cos they had to catch the 10pm train back. i really miss the kids. especially amber. she's so cute and talkative and very smart for a 3 year old. very naughty too! haha. how i miss them all. only have photos left of them.

lets get down to the main point of this post. i think i have finally found what i've been looking for. her. she makes my life complete. HOWEVER, she isn't replying my msg or returning my calls! maybe i expressed my feelings too early for her to accept them. but she didn't say a thing when i did (by sms, cos i couldnt see her). i feel i need to see her, talk to her, straighten things out. but i don't know when i can see her again. she didn't go training yesterday and there might not be training this saturday so i really don't know when i can see her again. i have so many questions in my mind which need answering and i'm not sure what i should do. (MS, a lil help please?) how i feel about her is best described by this chris brown song. of cos some parts are deleted cos they don't apply.

with you - chris brown

I need you boo, (oh)
I gotta see you boo (hey)
And the hearts all over the world tonight,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]
[Verse 1]
Hey! Little mama,Ooh, you're a stunner
Hot..little figure,Yes, you're a winner
And I'm so glad to be yours,
You're a class all your own
And..
Oh, little cutie
When..you talk to me
I swear..the whole world stops
You're my sweetheart
And I'm so glad that you are mine
You are one of a kind and..
[Bridge]
You mean to me
What I mean to you and..
Together baby,
There is nothing we won't do
'cause if I got you,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Girl, you're my all.And..
[Chorus:]
Oh!I'm into you,
And girl,
No one else would do,
'cause with every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I know I can't be the only one,
I bet there heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of they life who feel..
Wat I feel when I'm
With you [x5]
Girl..
With you [x5]
[Verse 2]
Oh girl!
I don't want nobody else,
Without you, there's no one left then,
You're like Jordans on Saturday,
I gotta have you and I cannot wait now,
Hey! Little shawty,
Say you care for me,
You know I care for you,
You know...that I'll be true,
You know that I won't lie,
You know that I would try,
To be your everything..yeah..
[Bridge]
'cause if I got you,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Girl, you're my all.And..
[Chorus]
With you [x5]
Oh..
With you [x5]
Yeah Heh..
[Bridge 2]
And I..
Will never try to deny,
that you're my whole life,
'cause if you ever let me go,
I would die..
So I won't front,
I don't need another woman,
I just need your all and nothing,
'cause if I got that,
Then I'll be straight
Baby, you're the best part of my day

I need you boo,
I gotta see you boo
And the hearts all over the world tonight,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight [x2]
Woo Oh.. Yeah
They need it boo,
They gotta see their boo,
Said the hearts all over the world tonight,
Hearts all over the world tonight [x2]
[Chorus]
With you [x5]
Girl..
With you [x5]
Oh..

tiger lily by matchbook romance

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.

and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go (and never let go)
i'll never let go (i'll never let go)
as we round the cornerto your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawal of you for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

why does tonight, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse. (any worse)
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words
'cause i, i don't want to make things
and i, i don't want to make things any worse

-end-
something i never thought could happen. will it happen again?

please specify

a few days ago, i felt like giving up. i was on the brink of destruction. almost at the point of no return. that was before i had a good chat with my counsellor. his words opened my mind like a can of sardines opened by a can opener. he made me realise that i've put in so much effort for the past 5 months or so in recovering. no doubt the situation changed recently. but i have grown as a person and done too much to just throw it all away by doing something silly.

there's something deep within me that is missing. i don't know what it is yet. i desperately want to know what it is. but it seems the questions i have been asking myself were too vague. i need to be more specific. i think i want somebody to be there for me all the time. not all the time kinda all the time. like whenever i'm in need, he/she is just an sms away. people are taking super long to reply no thanks to their busy schedules. i want somebody to accompany me drink teh tarik. i dont like drinking alone. and while drinking, talk about life in general. someone with wisdom to share. like my late father. maybe i've been looking for someone to replace a certain somebody i let go of many many years ago. so far nobody has been able to replace that person in my heart. my dad came closest during his last days with me. now the void is resurfacing. who might u be? i wonder..

anyways i found a super duper beautiful song. bittersweet by apocalypto featuring ville of HIM and lauri of the rasmus. super beautiful. love the melody. been listening to it on loop for the past 2 hours. and the song lasts 4min 26sec. haha

there's something else i wanna blog about but just can't remember what it is. next time then.

"she is the one that i adore, creed of my silent suffocation"

seize the day - avenged sevenfold

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing life, replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where should we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
Its empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, or kiss you lips again?
I never want to leave you and the memories for us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
Its empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

(Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day)
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home

lonely

been feeling ever so lonely of late. not that i haven't been feeling lonely for the past 6months or so. just that, ever since my dad passed away, i have to spend the daytime all by myself. used to have him for company cos he worked nights on the new flight schedule so he'll be around at home in the day and many afternoons we spent chilling out drinking teh tarik. he introduced me to teh tarik drinking a couple of years back. now, when i have the urge to drink teh tarik in the afternoon, which is quite often btw, i usually end up drinking alone. which sucks shit. i'll always be thinking of him when i'm at our usual haunts and for that period of time that i'm there i can't help but to be emo and listen to emo songs. all this has made me realise how much i took him, his presence, for granted. i never thought he'd go so early. i always thought he'll be there on my graduation, on my wedding, playing with my children his grandchildren. i'm still in some shock cos he passed away so suddenly. i remember the last day we spent together like it was yesterday. he came home from work around noon, i borrowed the car to go buy tickets for the singapore vietnam suzuki cup semifinal with my cuz. after buying the tickets we went back to my place and he was doing his office work in the living room. at around five, he sent my mother to work on the way to his office and that was the last time i spoke to him, kissed his hand. i wish i had hugged him. his last words to me, just like any other day he'd leave for work, were "take care".

i don't know how long more i can put up this brave front. i'm crumbling inside. it's like a disease which eats the life out of you from inside. like my previous blog "death from within". but i guess there's a reason why this blog is called "this is my fight". this IS my fight. to overcome the challenges that i face. like depression. it'd be so easy to fall back into a depressed mode but i'm trying my very best to move on and live life to the fullest. because what i've learnt from my dad's passing is that life is VERY short and u never know when your time will come to leave this material world and enter the afterlife. it's a painful lesson but pain with purpose.

i really need a long chat with someone but i don't know how to say what i need to say, hence, this entry. talk to me if u have the time. maybe i can help with some of your own problems.