midterm break has come and almost nearly gone. my preparations for midterm tests next week have ground to a halt. brain just cannot take it anymore. i think i'm gonna fail at least 3 modules this sem. ss and the two core maths modules. then i think next sem i will fail more modules. i just cannot see myself graduating from nus. as days go by, the more it looks like i'll have to fall back on teaching degree at nie. just hope that if i do need to go that route, i can teach P.E. cos as long as i'm on track to teach P.E. i think i'll be fine since it's what i would really love to do. but back to the present, i will just keep on lumbering this sem and next and see my results. i know it'll be damn hard to convince my parents that my future does not lie in nus unless i get like warning letter for cap below 2.0 or something. haiz there's really a lot of invisible pressure on me to graduate from nus. it's invisible but i can feel every bit of it and it's really getting me down. a lot of that pressure can be relieved if i get to learn and own a bike but parents are totally against it. a car would be best but bike will do too since car is so damn ex to maintain here.
raya is coming in a few days and this week's been paint the house week. bit by bit, part by part, now basically all the major painting is done. left with some touching up here and there. the house seems to be about set for raya. oh we haven't buy this year's baju yet! haha. i think we'll be going jb on monday and probably buy it then. no kuih also. haiz monday spent in jb, tuesday have two tests. fail la. just f it.
man utd vs bolton on tv now. tataz.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
this is how u remind me
had appointment with psychologist today. so far i've been so busy with school and trainings and matches that i've hardly had time to feel any emotions. just so busy. drowned in busyness. but something the psychologist asked just now that suddenly made me go *bang!* whoa! i was reminded of something i don't wish to be reminded of. he asked,"how's the girl?" i was stunned speechless. just lost for words. my tone suddenly went down. i thought i had put those things behind me but he just had to bring it up. i guess it's his job to make sure and cover all angles. didn't tell him much. couldn't tell him much too since i haven't really been in contact with her. let's put it this way, i watched as she walked away and she continues to walk away. there's nothing i can do to stop her, it's her wish. all i can hope for is for time to heal her wounds and she would stop going further. i've tried to move on. i've kept myself busy to distract myself. it worked, only till now. the heartache is back. but i do not wish to repeat my mistakes. this time i'll let myself and only myself deal with the heartache without expressing it to anyone especially her. although i miss having a heart to heart conversation.
been performing below par in both hockey and floorball recently. the drive to perform is lacking. not sure if it's cos it's fasting month and i'm taking things easy. or i've just lost my ability. which is worse. i need something to push me. i'm not self-motivated enough. not at this point.
been performing below par in both hockey and floorball recently. the drive to perform is lacking. not sure if it's cos it's fasting month and i'm taking things easy. or i've just lost my ability. which is worse. i need something to push me. i'm not self-motivated enough. not at this point.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
old and new
crap loads of things have happened since my last post so i guess it's time for me to update. haven't had much time to blog anyways.
first, was hospitalized (again) in 2nd week of school can't remember the exact date. was in for about a week. was completely flat out depressed la. totally felt no reason to live. suicidal. perhaps it's because i kept thinking about my past failures and how foolish i had been and kept re-living those mistakes over and over again. it made my mood during the week prior to admission rather low. the final nail in the coffin came when i got rejected. by someone. i think it hurt me more since she had, during the short time i knew her, provided me with the light at the end of my tunnel. she had made me so very happy beyond this world but alas it was taken away just as swiftly. too suddenly it seemed. so everything turned dark. again. and i couldn't stand the darkness anymore. but as luck would have it, on that day i had an appointment with psychologist so i told him of my plans before i could act on it thus saving this person's life. update: it still seems dark now. i don't know how to get that light back. but i'm no longer suicidal.
next, school and training. my days are power packed with school and/or training except monday and certain sundays. tuesday is my longest day with lectures 12pm to 8pm then i will go girls floorball training till 930pm. i feel that i still need to attend their training to regain my touch plus work on my fitness. wednesday it's lectures 12pm to 4pm then guys floorball training 6pm to 10pm. shiok. training nowadays is more intense than previous years. still, i can't wait for physical training to start on thursdays. ah thursday. it's tutorial day 9am to 3pm. struggle to wake up in the morning from the exertions of the previous two days. friday is okay. lectures 4pm to 8pm then some combined uni hockey training at ntu till 10pm. i will usually leave lecture early to reach ntu by 730pm. saturday is floorball training 1230pm to 4pm. then some sundays will have hockey match with dMasters. then it starts all over again. power.
at the recently concluded comex my parents bought an early birthday present for me. a new laptop! woohoo! it's a fujitsu tablet. always wanted a tablet. plus my old lappy battery can now last a mere one hour. this new one can last up to four! i'm quite happy that i got a new lappy but somehow, it feels like there's something still missing in me. back to square one.
i just don't feel complete. having felt what it's like to be happy thank's to a certain someone, then having that same someone take it all away is just... no words can describe the disappointment and heartache. i've put those feelings behind me yet i cannot move on. i feel a certain emptiness inside me. not knowing how to fill it or whether it will ever be filled. i feel like crying but tears evade me. i wish this loneliness could end and end soon. otherwise, i think it will hamper my full recovery.
wah what a long post. end.
first, was hospitalized (again) in 2nd week of school can't remember the exact date. was in for about a week. was completely flat out depressed la. totally felt no reason to live. suicidal. perhaps it's because i kept thinking about my past failures and how foolish i had been and kept re-living those mistakes over and over again. it made my mood during the week prior to admission rather low. the final nail in the coffin came when i got rejected. by someone. i think it hurt me more since she had, during the short time i knew her, provided me with the light at the end of my tunnel. she had made me so very happy beyond this world but alas it was taken away just as swiftly. too suddenly it seemed. so everything turned dark. again. and i couldn't stand the darkness anymore. but as luck would have it, on that day i had an appointment with psychologist so i told him of my plans before i could act on it thus saving this person's life. update: it still seems dark now. i don't know how to get that light back. but i'm no longer suicidal.
next, school and training. my days are power packed with school and/or training except monday and certain sundays. tuesday is my longest day with lectures 12pm to 8pm then i will go girls floorball training till 930pm. i feel that i still need to attend their training to regain my touch plus work on my fitness. wednesday it's lectures 12pm to 4pm then guys floorball training 6pm to 10pm. shiok. training nowadays is more intense than previous years. still, i can't wait for physical training to start on thursdays. ah thursday. it's tutorial day 9am to 3pm. struggle to wake up in the morning from the exertions of the previous two days. friday is okay. lectures 4pm to 8pm then some combined uni hockey training at ntu till 10pm. i will usually leave lecture early to reach ntu by 730pm. saturday is floorball training 1230pm to 4pm. then some sundays will have hockey match with dMasters. then it starts all over again. power.
at the recently concluded comex my parents bought an early birthday present for me. a new laptop! woohoo! it's a fujitsu tablet. always wanted a tablet. plus my old lappy battery can now last a mere one hour. this new one can last up to four! i'm quite happy that i got a new lappy but somehow, it feels like there's something still missing in me. back to square one.
i just don't feel complete. having felt what it's like to be happy thank's to a certain someone, then having that same someone take it all away is just... no words can describe the disappointment and heartache. i've put those feelings behind me yet i cannot move on. i feel a certain emptiness inside me. not knowing how to fill it or whether it will ever be filled. i feel like crying but tears evade me. i wish this loneliness could end and end soon. otherwise, i think it will hamper my full recovery.
wah what a long post. end.
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