Saints 0 - 12 ZARF

thrashed again. expected la this one. they played very fair n really outclassed us. we didnt play too bad actually. was only 2-0 down after 1st period. didnt play much today cos i dunno why but just so tired. ended up puking midway thru 3rd period. long time since i last ran until i puked. the feeling after puking was very nice though. very relieved.

he's in need of your constant attention. something you cannot give.

running on empty

the past few days have been pretty good considering what's been happening recently. finally drove again today after more than a month. just a short drive from adam road food centre back home. hopefully i can drive to the match tomorrow. then dad can come home and get some much needed sleep.

oh ya i forgot to mention a clean sheet for line 1 last match. but we still lost so wtf.

i know what i need. it is something which i cannot get. not right now. and i'm slowly beginning to believe that i won't ever get it. i always tried to be honest. this is what i get in return. been trying to be strong for those around me. i think they've gone through a lot to get me this far. please note, there's only so much i can do. don't expect too much. i could fail at any time.

oh ya again. burnt a patch of hair on tuesday. now there's sort of a bald spot at the front of my head. quite ugly.

Saints 3 - 4 NTU Hurricanes

wastedddd. we really should've won this one. like what sw said, "too bad floorball is a game of 3 periods not 2." i think 70% of my board passes were cut off today :(

i don't know what else to say. had some things on my mind just now but they all just vanished into thin air. aniwaez i'm so tired that i've become fresh. oh ya. i can't get too tired. otherwise i'll go crazy. my thoughts will just go crazy. the facade is going quite well. i don't seem at all depressed. just depends on how long i can keep it going.

can somebody read my mind?

Saints 2 - 12 Moosemen

not bad. better than expected. quite surprised we managed 2 goals. almost freaking fainted on the court in the middle of 2nd period. lack of oxygen in the body. was yawning like mad everytime i was sitting at the bench. its ntu tomorrow but i'm just so tired.

i don't know how many games i'll play. i don't know how long more i can stay away from hospital. it seems i'm getting closer and closer to another hospital stay instead of recovery.

only you can make me smile. genuinely. the rest is a facade.

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect
but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
But nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you'd believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

nice song. something i had to do was done not too long ago. i really rather not do it but i had to. not for me. what's done is done. i shall have to live with the consequences of my actions. i just wish........ it put a genuine smile on my face.

med

so the recently prescribed med wasn't working. it's off the list. anti-depressants have been increased. was wondering when it was gonna happen. clearly something isn't right. ok whatever. i'm just so tired. sleeping doesn't help. just feel like lying around all day all night. gots a match tomorrow. i think i'll be very lethargic. things aren't going so well at the moment. it hasn't been going well for a long time.

at the end of the day, they can only do so much. it's up to you to prioritise. he lacks the ability to do so. if you can understand.

more

more cuts. more pain. more suffering. this is the only place left where i can rest. suffering. that's right. i'm suffering. it hurts so much that i've become so numb. i wanna run away.

blame me. think what you like. strength has eluded me. yet i'm still here. somehow. i don't know why i'm still here. or what's keeping me here. after all that has happened, i still want to be here.

it's not your fault. i'm only you. (what??)

parts

part of me wants to go on. part of me has died. i know not when which part will surface. in pieces i now am. many many pieces. more than humpty dumpty. heh.

loser

it's a neverending battle. every single moment i'm faced with thoughts of how to best hurt myself without having to go to hospital. if it's not physical pain, it's emotional pain. when will all of this stop? will it ever end?

the guy's match put everything into perspective. what does it mean to you? do you care enough to be emotional or do you just move on like nothing happened. "it's only a game afterall". what you have failed to realise that in the game of life, you only have one chance to prove your worth. there's no such thing as second chances. lose and you will lose your life forever. you may get up after you fall but the fact is, you fell! and by falling, i don't know. i don't have the energy or desire to get up. i'm tired of being pushed on to keep on going. can't you see? just like a game, some win while others lose. perhaps i'm one of those who just has to lose.

the losing mentality has been bred onto me since i was a kid. i don't know how to win. winning feels wrong. losing is the right thing to do. when i lose, others will win. everybody's happy. i am happy to lose?

in this lifetime of sadness, i long for that one moment of joy. one that perhaps could rekindle the light at the end of the tunnel. i thought i found that moment but it turns out i was wrong. now i have to look elsewhere. time is running out for me. can you help me find it?

none needed

to do it would be worse than killing myself. perhaps it's the only way out of this. to let it all come out. truth be told.

ready for it here we go

it's time to move away. without ever saying goodbye. slowly but surely leaving the place of comfort. to find a certain answer to the endless questions. let the truth be hidden. it's time to move away. go now or forever be stuck in the middle of nothing.

words of encouragement fill me with angst. perhaps i do not feel understood. perhaps i am asking for too much and giving away too little. shhhh it shall never be known.

saints training

went to train today despite what happened yesterday. i really wanted to go. was waiting for it the whole week n it kept me going though at times i didnt feel like playing. aniwaez today's training was alrite. getting my touch n timing back. just still very unfit n slowww. but overall i think it's the best performance since i first got admitted.

next sat n sun we'll be having our first two matches for league. this after having just one training in our lines. haha. at least 4/5 of my line is the same as last year so we sort of know each other's style. still need to train together though.


as i sat there waiting, i wondered, is it really worth it? i've become so dependent on ppl that i guess i'm afraid of living my own life by myself, needing someone to be there with me all the way. i just dont know how to be alone.

lost yesterday

yesterday.terrible day.lost control of myself, my mind. cos i was just so frustrated and i couldn't let it out. apparently, as narrated by my family members, this is what i did:
burnt my hair with a lighter (juz a little bit before my dad saw n stopped me)
scratched the scars
poured water n tea on myself when given to drink
threw bread when given to eat
kicked the wall
walked round n round n round n round around the dining table
kept getting up to walk after sitting/lying down
kept trying to go out of the house (my mum locked the gate)
tried to hit my head against a few things

apparently it all lasted several hrs. from abt noon till abt 8? 9? when i 'woke up'. they called some 'spiritual healers' n i supposedly became violent. they insist i was disturbed by some cant be seen things. i dont know what to believe alredi. oh the ambulance came n i didnt wanna go hospital so they let me sign some form n they left. police came too to support the ambulance ppl just in case. n my jaw freaking hurts now.

it DOES help

yes it HELPS! better than any of the drugs those docs have been giving me. all it needed was a few cuts and there u have it. the feeling of blood rushing down my hand was just awesome! the adrenalin rush. is this the answer i've been looking for?

feeling alot better now. not as frustrated. not as stressed. not as depressed. sort of on a high. lets see how long the effects of the new 'drug' will last.

now to find a place to hide my weapon of choice before it gets confiscated by them guards again.

oh no..

it's silently killing me inside as i try to suppress it with every breath i take. it wouldn't take much for everything to burst out.

i'm falling deeper and deeper into somewhere i shouldn't be. this could potentially be a trigger.

on a lighter note, a good friend said he wants to see me back on the courts and playing again. it gives me great encouragement when someone tells me something like that, when someone is surprised that i'm not playing. yes i was good. but being the impatient person that i am, i guess i want to get back to that level immediately. sometimes i feel like i could have done the job if i was selected but i know it would have been a big risk. hitting around just confirms that the decision was correct. i'm really totally out of shape.

just an update on the meds i'm on:
fluoxetine 40mg
lamotrigine 100mg
sulpiride 400mg

i have a feeling i'm getting the side effects from the newly prescribed lamotrigine. muscle aches and fatigue. it's hampering my recovery process. next appointment is next week.

run

not running away. just went for a run this afternoon.
2.4km timing: 13:52
20min distance: 2900m
hopefully more runs to come. reduce the timing, increase the distance.

silently living on the edge these days. it'll just take a little tiny itch and there you have it. gone.

official diagnosis

the latest official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. depressive kind.

feeling very frustrated right now. the thoughts juz don't seem to go away.

really need to talk to someone.

can you be there?

Happy? 2008

what happened between the last post and now is... 3 periods of hospital stays, loads of misery, extreme loss of fitness, dropped from team, extreme loss of interest in everything.
imh is a prison in disguise.

head's full of negativity and i can't get it to stop. it's not something i can just snap out of.

i'm feeling sick =(