i am so stressed right now i'm freaking out. i've run out of people to talk to i don't know who else i can turn to. school is really giving me a big headache. i'm really not sure if i'll be able to graduate. i don't want to go back into hospital coz it'll mean i'll miss more lessons and be pushed further behind. but as day turns to night, the longer i'm holding on, the harder it is. hard to control my emotions, hard to fight away the recurring symptoms like having the urge to cut myself. i wish i could just cry. it'll help a lot. but i just cannot find tears in my eyes. everything is stuck inside of me i can't release it. been doing push ups to vent my frustrations but it doesn't help anymore and i can't do anymore push ups. i have this great feeling my life will end up as a failure. the biggest failure of all. it's like in a match, the dying seconds of it, and your team is down by 10 goals. there's no way you can win already. what is the point of fighting anymore i just don't see it. fight for a lost cause? the cause is already lost. there is no gain. losing is everything. everything is lost.
tomorrow is appointment with the good ol doctor. i know he will increase the dosage of my medicines. i doubt he will ward me unless i request to be warded. i said above that i don't wanna go back hospital but there's a small part of me which says it's better if i go. for my own good. but it's still hari raya visiting season. i don't want to rob my family of another season of goodwill and happiness. yet, the feeling i have inside me, it's indescribable.
oh man.. the urge grows ever stronger. =(
2 comments:
hello,
I stumbled across your blog and i feel so much for you. There's always a fine line between sanity and insanity, happiness and depression. There was a point in life where i fell and couldn't pick myself up and so i was tempted with thoughts of leaving it all behind but i realised there were so many things i have not experienced before and so many people i felt responsible to. I really hope you can fight on and move on! Have hope! Life without hope is meaningless. :)) Remember everytime you feel frustrated or angry or upset, someone out there is feeling the same. And no matter what happens, tomorrow will still come and everything that turns out bad will eventually pass by and everything will be normal again.
I don't know if u think all this is some long bullcrap. I'm just writing how i feel and i'm just hoping you would be my audience. :)) jade.
thanx jade. things are beginning to settle a bit now. will blog abt it soon. thanx again!
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