jaded

i'm jaded as far as floorball's concerned. it's all so very routine. maybe i've been doing defending too much. a change of position would mean new things to learn and perhaps that would make me more interested in the game. the game itself though is rather boring. perhaps it's because of our style of play. nobody bar 1 or 2 people can actually do things out of the box. perhaps there's too much running or sometimes not enough running into the correct positions. i don't feel like going training on saturday. but i'll probably go since there's nothing else to do. and saturday night there'll be some birthday celebrations over at changi beach. wonder what we're gonna do other than chilling.

if only i can inject myself with some talent. or maybe fitness level up. lots of levels up. what if we can inject ourselves with anything in the world like.. intelligence? what would happen if everybody were smart? i think it'd be quite interesting but at times rather boring. nobody would be doing stupid things. i don't know. what do you think? hmmmm....

sheeeeeeshaaaaaaaa

had a great time sheesha-ing wif don n khai n chillin at al azhar. looong time since i chilled like that and it looks like a looong time before i can do it again. don's dilemma: will we still be chillin like we are 5 years down the road? God knows but i sure hope so. that's if i'm still around in this world. i think i should be a lot more stable once i finish my uni studies. if i can complete it. i really want to finish as fast as possible but i can't put too much pressure on myself or i'll go haywire.

before chillin, had school 10-12 and floorball clinic 430-6. i must say i've been pretty jaded by floorball for the past few weeks until the session today. i just couldn't figure it out. floorball didn't seem to be as fun as before, just very boring doing the same old things almost like a routine. i needed a change or just something to inject life into my floorball game. that's when i resorted to hockey. went for a hit around sometime last week. felt so much better after that though my hockey skills have dropped tremendously from lack of training or playing for that matter. for a while hockey seemed a lot more exciting than floorball.

but i think the clinic injected some life into my floorball. had a good hour and a half of basics. just basics. at the end of it my wrist shot improved. i think. well i hope so. heh. wednesday we'll see at training. must use more upper body rotation instead of just focusing on the arms for power. i knew that for the longest time but i just couldn't seem to do it. but i'm still shooting better on the wrong (right) foot. i just can't feel as stable shooting on the left foot. aniwaez, looking forward to the studying session with dons before training after tutorial. get some studying done before the last minute rush. i'm midway through the special sem already.

i'm reluctant to say it but life's been alright so far. yeah so far. don't wanna suddenly fall into relapse again once i say everything's okay. the anti-depressants should be just about beginning to work. yet i don't really feel that much different other than not having thoughts of harming myself. school is keeping me occupied mondays to wednesdays. now training will resume on wednesday and saturday. i still don't know how to fill my thursdays n fridays. hoping for people to ask me out but i guess they're busy. then once special sem ends in about 3 weeks time i once again find myself with nothing to do on most days. haiz. i really dread not having things to do to occupy myself. the chances of relapsing will be so high. hopefully i'll be stable enough by then to stay okay.

finally got my hands on teenage mutant ninja turtles movie. the first one not the recent animated movie. the last time i watched it was donkey years ago. gonna watch it tomorrow afternoon after school. yeah!

long entry for the lack of updating. i guess that's all for now.

hi

hello.yet again i return.from another week in hospital.feeling better now than i was at the last post.played floorball today.not that fun but ok la.gonna have mothers' day dinner celebrations at uncle's house tonight.school starts on monday.

school starts on monday.

bye

i just want to end it all. i've been so much trouble for so many people. they deserve better. i don't want to keep being a nuisance for all of them. they'd be better off with me gone. i'm sorry but that's the way i think. there'll be no more going back and forth to the hospital for them.

i'm so sorry.

back again

oh hello bloggiee.was away for the last week of april cos i got admitted again.was having delusionary suicidal thoughts.yet, after 3 days out discharged, i don't feel any better. felt more at ease when i was in the ward. tonight i'm trying to sort of ride out the night and thoughts. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow i'll feel a lot better than now. now i just feel like going back to the ward. but when i'm in there i just wanna come out. stuck between 2 places. i know i can't keep depending on the ward to keep me safe. i need to learn to think safely and positively. but i can't help but think that depression is slowly creeping back into my life again. been about 2 months since i went off meds for depression. for some reason, it was a sudden stop. part of me felt glad it ended to quickly but now. haiz.

school's starting in a week. wonder what would happen then.