confused

had counselling today. i'm to decide between two things:

1) work to change my way of thinking, to be more positive and all that. learn how to push the pain away. eventually to get out of depression.

2) absorb all the pain and just remain the way i am. however, no "cheating". i.e. no cutting, suicide etc.

i really don't know which to choose. it may seem bloody obvious to choose the first option but.. there's a huge reluctance in me to go through with it. something like, just let me be.

she said i'm not sick. i don't have any mental illness. but i keep being like this then it's highly likely that i will develop some form of mental illness in my 30s. and when that happens, it'll be extremely difficult, almost impossible to get better. sigh. to think that it's already so hard now.

another thing she said that i can remember now. pain is addictive. as weird as it may sound, it's true. i'm addicted to pain. thinking hurtful thoughts serves to feed my addiction. on a more minor scale, i love to press my bruises.

i think things aren't going well. i'm so tired.