been really tough these couple of days and nights. unable to really fall asleep, continuously thinking of stuff nobody in his right mind should ever think of. the teh tarik session with floobies just now really helped to take my mind off some of it. they're a great bunch of people.
it's back to fighting once again. nobody said it was easy, nobody said it was gonna be this hard.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Three 'P's
Pain Pleasure Penknife.
no i have not cut myself. but the thoughts are still there. and it gets more tempting. i would if there isn't something to look forward to like floorball training and matches.
cutting will land you in prison. i do not agree with it.
no i have not cut myself. but the thoughts are still there. and it gets more tempting. i would if there isn't something to look forward to like floorball training and matches.
cutting will land you in prison. i do not agree with it.
Friday, September 21, 2007
choo choo chop
found a really nice place to chillax and watch trains go by. those locomotive trains, not mrt. it's sort of a mini park in a very old hdb estate. i would love to buy one of the apartments there and live the rest of my life. hidden, away from the hectic city life.
yet another tiring day feeling all tired. my eyes been stinging ever since afternoon. don't know why. took them pills today. the relaxants don't seem to be working. can't be i need a higher dosage so fast right?
what if i fail? this tiredness just fills me with all sorts of negative thoughts and i'm trying all i can to push them away. would it be that dark should i not be able to resist it? it doesn't even make sense to my why i'm feeling all down and negative. it doesn't make any sense why i feel like cutting myself. somehow it just seems all so tempting if i just don't think about the consequences.
yet another tiring day feeling all tired. my eyes been stinging ever since afternoon. don't know why. took them pills today. the relaxants don't seem to be working. can't be i need a higher dosage so fast right?
what if i fail? this tiredness just fills me with all sorts of negative thoughts and i'm trying all i can to push them away. would it be that dark should i not be able to resist it? it doesn't even make sense to my why i'm feeling all down and negative. it doesn't make any sense why i feel like cutting myself. somehow it just seems all so tempting if i just don't think about the consequences.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
confused
had counselling today. i'm to decide between two things:
1) work to change my way of thinking, to be more positive and all that. learn how to push the pain away. eventually to get out of depression.
2) absorb all the pain and just remain the way i am. however, no "cheating". i.e. no cutting, suicide etc.
i really don't know which to choose. it may seem bloody obvious to choose the first option but.. there's a huge reluctance in me to go through with it. something like, just let me be.
she said i'm not sick. i don't have any mental illness. but i keep being like this then it's highly likely that i will develop some form of mental illness in my 30s. and when that happens, it'll be extremely difficult, almost impossible to get better. sigh. to think that it's already so hard now.
another thing she said that i can remember now. pain is addictive. as weird as it may sound, it's true. i'm addicted to pain. thinking hurtful thoughts serves to feed my addiction. on a more minor scale, i love to press my bruises.
i think things aren't going well. i'm so tired.
1) work to change my way of thinking, to be more positive and all that. learn how to push the pain away. eventually to get out of depression.
2) absorb all the pain and just remain the way i am. however, no "cheating". i.e. no cutting, suicide etc.
i really don't know which to choose. it may seem bloody obvious to choose the first option but.. there's a huge reluctance in me to go through with it. something like, just let me be.
she said i'm not sick. i don't have any mental illness. but i keep being like this then it's highly likely that i will develop some form of mental illness in my 30s. and when that happens, it'll be extremely difficult, almost impossible to get better. sigh. to think that it's already so hard now.
another thing she said that i can remember now. pain is addictive. as weird as it may sound, it's true. i'm addicted to pain. thinking hurtful thoughts serves to feed my addiction. on a more minor scale, i love to press my bruises.
i think things aren't going well. i'm so tired.
the first post
i've decided to chronicle my battle against depression here in addition to the usual blogging. more for the latter though. just to keep track of my progress. shall try to update it daily. if you happen to read this, feel free to leave a message.
background information: chronic depression plus possible anxiety disorder/low self esteem.
medication: fluoxetine, lorazepam
plus the help of a psychiatrist n counsellor
at the end of the day, this is MY fight.
so it began on Tuesday 28 August 2007. actually, before that. i had initially submitted the withdrawal letter to the school. i hate school. going to lectures and tutorials are really emotionally tough. not having that close group of buddies to hang out and study with made it impossibly tough. despite talking to several people, i found that nobody could really understand me especially when i told them i didnt see the point of getting a degree and earning big bucks. i didnt want to earn big bucks. money had caused a whole lot of problems to me before. i felt that i had become a spoilt brat who could get whatever he wished for. so i yearned to live the "hard life". walked to school, starved myself but no matter what i did i was never satisfied with the amount of hardship i went through.
then there's the nights. there was a point i absolutely hated and feared night time. because i couldn't sleep without thinking of, imagining things that would hurt me. still have this problem. i just crave for the pain i feel in my "heart". so every night i will break my own heart. even when i didn't want to think of such things, i just can't help it. it's like my mind will go on auto-pilot and fill itself with such thoughts.
the first week after seeing the counsellor for the first time went by quite well. still had a lot of desire and will power to get better. the initial side effects of the anti-depressant were nausea and a very weird feeling, something like tiredness. but the nausea was worse. when your stomach is empty usually u'll feel hungry but whenever my stomach was empty i'd feel like vomitting. met up with the counsellor for the first treatment appointment. my whole body tensed up midway through the session. she told me to relax and did some breathing exercises to calm myself down. at the end of the session she gave me homework. i was to do something that would make myself feel good e.g. lunch with buddies instead of alone etc.
the couple of days after that first session went like the first week. things were looking on the up. had lunch with a good friend in school on one of the days. somehow, my mood just dipped during the weekend and on monday, it got really bad. other than feeling so tired that i just could not wake up to go 10am lecture, i skipped all afternoon classes too. i think the tiredness played a big part. i felt that i could not go on fighting this. negative thoughts came back. what i was trying to do no longer made any sense to me. missed the whole week of lessons. cancelled counselling too. i didn't see any sense in going counselling. it was back to feeling alone and useless. the mind was bombarded with thoughts of cutting myself. i even thought that i should cut my feet/toes so that i can cover up by wearing shoes. thankfully, i did not go through with the cutting. the whole week was just battling to get my mood back up. oh and i skipped the anti-depressants for 5 days.
the following monday came. still didnt feel too good about myself but i didnt want to feel that way the rest of my life. though sometimes i do. had an appointment with the psychiatrist. told him the above and stuff so he prescribed the relaxants to help me sleep since my sleep is interrupted. couldn't sleep more than 3hours without waking up. he says to take one pill. two pills will make it a sleeping pill. if i really need to take two then i should take it, otherwise, stick to just one. monday also, restarted on the anti-depressants. so tuesday there was a bit of the side effects again. fasting made it harder. wednesday is today. over the past three days, i've been trying not to talk about this. just keep it to me. because it's my fight. others can't help me. they can give words of encouragement and support but it really is my own fight. on the outside i've just been pretending that i'm alright. inside, i'm very messed up. i still do have frequent thoughts of cutting myself. hope i can stay strong and keep fighting those thoughts.
that's about it for now. till the next entry. cya.
background information: chronic depression plus possible anxiety disorder/low self esteem.
medication: fluoxetine, lorazepam
plus the help of a psychiatrist n counsellor
at the end of the day, this is MY fight.
so it began on Tuesday 28 August 2007. actually, before that. i had initially submitted the withdrawal letter to the school. i hate school. going to lectures and tutorials are really emotionally tough. not having that close group of buddies to hang out and study with made it impossibly tough. despite talking to several people, i found that nobody could really understand me especially when i told them i didnt see the point of getting a degree and earning big bucks. i didnt want to earn big bucks. money had caused a whole lot of problems to me before. i felt that i had become a spoilt brat who could get whatever he wished for. so i yearned to live the "hard life". walked to school, starved myself but no matter what i did i was never satisfied with the amount of hardship i went through.
then there's the nights. there was a point i absolutely hated and feared night time. because i couldn't sleep without thinking of, imagining things that would hurt me. still have this problem. i just crave for the pain i feel in my "heart". so every night i will break my own heart. even when i didn't want to think of such things, i just can't help it. it's like my mind will go on auto-pilot and fill itself with such thoughts.
the first week after seeing the counsellor for the first time went by quite well. still had a lot of desire and will power to get better. the initial side effects of the anti-depressant were nausea and a very weird feeling, something like tiredness. but the nausea was worse. when your stomach is empty usually u'll feel hungry but whenever my stomach was empty i'd feel like vomitting. met up with the counsellor for the first treatment appointment. my whole body tensed up midway through the session. she told me to relax and did some breathing exercises to calm myself down. at the end of the session she gave me homework. i was to do something that would make myself feel good e.g. lunch with buddies instead of alone etc.
the couple of days after that first session went like the first week. things were looking on the up. had lunch with a good friend in school on one of the days. somehow, my mood just dipped during the weekend and on monday, it got really bad. other than feeling so tired that i just could not wake up to go 10am lecture, i skipped all afternoon classes too. i think the tiredness played a big part. i felt that i could not go on fighting this. negative thoughts came back. what i was trying to do no longer made any sense to me. missed the whole week of lessons. cancelled counselling too. i didn't see any sense in going counselling. it was back to feeling alone and useless. the mind was bombarded with thoughts of cutting myself. i even thought that i should cut my feet/toes so that i can cover up by wearing shoes. thankfully, i did not go through with the cutting. the whole week was just battling to get my mood back up. oh and i skipped the anti-depressants for 5 days.
the following monday came. still didnt feel too good about myself but i didnt want to feel that way the rest of my life. though sometimes i do. had an appointment with the psychiatrist. told him the above and stuff so he prescribed the relaxants to help me sleep since my sleep is interrupted. couldn't sleep more than 3hours without waking up. he says to take one pill. two pills will make it a sleeping pill. if i really need to take two then i should take it, otherwise, stick to just one. monday also, restarted on the anti-depressants. so tuesday there was a bit of the side effects again. fasting made it harder. wednesday is today. over the past three days, i've been trying not to talk about this. just keep it to me. because it's my fight. others can't help me. they can give words of encouragement and support but it really is my own fight. on the outside i've just been pretending that i'm alright. inside, i'm very messed up. i still do have frequent thoughts of cutting myself. hope i can stay strong and keep fighting those thoughts.
that's about it for now. till the next entry. cya.
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