the end.

i have decided to stop taking meds and stop seeing my doc.

i find it highly frustrating n irritating to eat meds every night.

i am ok.

so this is how this story, and this blog, ends.

my final entry.

juz like to thank everyone for their support and being my audience.

PeaS

hello

just saying hi. will blog properly another day. hehe

untitled

exit stage right.

Marcos Hernandez - If You Were Mine

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I'd be your everything and you'd be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
Everything I dreamed about
Everything that I talked about
One thing I can't live without
I wanna get closer to you
Can't stand being far away
Knowing that you don't feel the same way
Questioning bring tears to your eyes

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
All words I sing about
All that is that I write about
Only thing I wanna hear about
So that I can get closer to you
I know that there is someone else, but he's only thinking of himself
Doesn't make any sense for you to be lonely

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

Ohhh Yeaaa
Let me be the one to share your hopes and dreams with
You'll never be alone again, cuz' I will hold you endlessly
Please don't be afraid to let your brokenheart guide you
Into these open arms that long to surround you, baby!!

[Chorus:]
If you were mine,
I be your your everything and you be the only thing that I would ever need
If you were mine,
I would tell everyone that you are the only one that I could ever want

[Repeat Chorus:]

Smoking - Reasons

so i had another smoking relapse. but i will try quitting again.

New Quit Date: 15 February 2009, Monday.

a)Reasons why/Times when i smoke:

1)when i wake up in the morning i reach for a cigarette cos i think it helps me wake up

2)meals feel more complete with a cigarette after

3)to kill time (between classes, waiting for people etc)

4)after class/completing an assignment

b)Reasons why I WANT TO QUIT:

short term

1)to stop the chest pains

2)to improve my stamina

3)to remove that look on dina's face

4)save money!

5)smell nicer!

long term

1)to increase my chances of living longer, free of smoking related diseases

2)save money!

3)healthier environment for my future family

how to deal with (a):

1)shower in mum's bathroom right after i wake up (cos kitchen bathroom is a smoking zone)

2)eat lighter meals, more frequently (cos the urge to smoke is directly proportional to how filling the meal is)

3)eat sweets/mints n listen to music, do tutorials/assignments/study, go for run/cycle.

4)drink fruit juice

i currently smoke 2 packs of rolling cigs a wk @ $10/pack. so that's a potential saving of $20/wk.

i will reward myself for every week i stay smoke free using the money that i save from not buying cigs. first wk's reward: i'm open to suggestions.

i will buy a diary and keep track of my smoking craving timings and how i dealt with it.

I AM VERY EXCITED TO QUIT! THIS IS HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW! I CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE I CAN! SYAFIQ, YOU CAN DO IT!

Raffles Hall Coaching

so the ihg floorball season is over. i juz want to say i'm proud of my team (both guys and girls) for the way they have played. they showed character, strength, even when the odds were against them. i have much to learn from their fighting spirit. there is tons of potential in the team. i hope i can continue to guide them along their path to fulfilling that full potential. anyway, i emailed them my coaching experience and was surprised with 2 thank you replies. not to mention the personal thank you from lloyd right after the defeat to kr. it certainly took the blow off the defeat. i wanna post the thank yous here for me to look back and be proud that i am able to achieve something especially when the chips are down. the long nights of coaching plus training plus tuition plus night classes really took a toll on my body physically. i am now below 80kg for the first time in a yr?2yrs? so, here's the replies:

"Awwwww that was such a sweet letter!

We love you too, syafiq. ^_________^

with your (then) unbroken voice screeching during trainings, the SM tendencies and missing word mistakes. ;DDD you're awesome!"

-nellyn

"Hi syafiq,

I just wanted to thank you personally (as personal as email gets haha) for taking up the challenge of being our coach. From my point of view, of having played floorball for rh since the beginning 3 years ago, your coaching has definitely been a good thing for the team - so you dont need to apologise for anything. Our first year with no coaching, we without a doubt played as individuals,, there was literally no team work to speak of. Last year with weiliang's leadership we faired better But this year although the result was worse than last year, i dare say that i had a more fulfilling floorball experience than the previous years. This is because i at least learnt strategy and tactics and was given a chance to build up a bigger repatoire of skills. This is what i think a real player is interested in - to learn and to improve. You came up with a structured training programme, taught us to play together, and basically did everything a coach could or should have done. So for that leme hand out a prize too:-

Best Coach 2010 Syafiq!

Haha cu around "

-moses

i really want to coach n play for raffles hall again next yr.

hope things can be sorted out.

oh tampines east knights approached me to coach, play, captain(maybe?) them for the coming div2 season. i weighed my options, and chose to accept their approach cos i think i can make more difference playing for them than playing for saints. problem is they train 3-7pm on sundays at tampines. raffles have training 2-6pm on sundays at nus. i'm in a dilemma. i want to take both teams. but i can't be at 2 places at once. how? i'm open to suggestions.

cold turkey day 4

day 4 started off pretty much the same as day 3 but the urge to smoke was even more intense. i managed to hold on for half the day but alas the urge juz got the better of me n i bought a pack of rolling cigs n lighter from 7-11 at dover during my break between lectures and smoked one stick. while smoking, i thought to myself (smokers like to think while smoking):

having others supporting u in ur bid to quit smoking helps u remain focused on ur goal but u should not rely heavily on that support cos at the end of the day, it's ur own body that's at stake so it's ur own personal fight. rather, u should rely on ur own willpower, desire to quit smoking n strength of mind to pull u thru especially when others are not around to help. the mind is much stronger than the body. doing sports (physical trainings) taught me that. the feeling after completing a highly strenuous physical training is immensely satisfying and the way to complete it is to keep in mind that satisfying feeling while going thru with the training.

then my dear gf sent me an article about quitting smoking. in it was a quote:

"One cigarette doesn't make me a smoker - I am a Non-Smoker, who had ONE cigarette and I am not going to have another one!"

the article, especially the quote, inspired me a lot and psyched me back up to want to quit again n treat that stick that i had as a minor slip up. i threw away the pack at the next available opportunity after reading the article. so that one stick cost me $9.80. pretty expensive u might say? but i know i will save a lot more than the $9.80 in the long run when i successfully quit smoking for good.

another quote: "u are not a failure. u are a failure only if u stop trying." - by dearest gf

so that is what my 4 days of cold turkey has taught me so far. i guess the relying on myself part can also be used for my illness. i should rely on my own strength more than hoping for others to help me. but first, i must believe that i am no longer depressed. i do believe that. i do believe that when a stressful situation comes, i will not be sucked into another relapse but have the necessary skills to cope with the stressors.

final note: the mind is always stronger than the body. remember that.

cold turkey day 3

getting very very lethargic, no mood/energy to do anything.

but i have ppl giving me moral support.

i'm doing this for myself.

for my own health.

i will come out a stronger, healthier person.