slash

feel like slashing my forehead. let the blood flow down my face. maybe even rip my scalp apart. got about an hour to resist. going training after that. if i can resist it.

boredom

i need to find something to do to fill up my time. floorball can only take up so much of my time there's still a million hours each day spent doing nothing which just makes me sleep and sleep and sleep till sleeping doesn't feel like resting anymore. rest is certainly missing. sleep is just to make time past faster.

going cafe del mar later with i don't who for sw's birthday. at least i gets to drive. and do something. hopefully there'll be lots of laughs with the same company again. kool peeps.

everything is just simmering underneath it all. WHAT LIES BENEATH. true. it's all lying beneath a facade. that's the current tactic so to speak. to keep it under wraps for as long as humanly possible and longer.

i think i should cut the salming stick. then it'll become the attacking stick. fatpipe can become the defending stick. then curve can be 2-in-1. can't wait to get the curve.

CNY

tough. that's the only word for it. trying to keep it up for another day or two since the tickets have already been purchased and paid for. it's either i crumble when i get back or i just feel a lot better. hopefully it's the latter but you never know. in the mood to self-destruct again.

he just tries as hard as he can but when it comes to the crunch, he isn't strong enough to face up to the challenge. at the end of the day, he is on his own. oh man this is so freakin tuff.

Saints 1 - 14 Innebandy

yesterday. at least we got a goal. the team played better than last week. i scored an own goal. didn't play much again cos fitness still not up there yet. timing n touches getting there. not too bad la. the only way we can go is up so it's good.

today. went fatpipe. bought stick n grip. spent $210. freak 27 is the stick. quite light. new experience though it reminds me of my first stick. $190 for one piece of equipment. hope it lasts. new nick: syafreak27. so it's a good thing my jersey number nowadays is 27.

tomorrow. hopefully will make it to the mixed hit around session tomorrow. then can try out the new stick.

now. feeling kinda down. i think it's cos i'm very tired. haiz. i can't be tired. when i'm tired i have a very high chance of getting an episode. it feels so easy to give up now. if there isn't hit around session tomorrow i think i'd have given up alredi. argh it's so tough. read the letters again yesterday. one of it said "at least we don't give up". hope to find some inspiration from that. i kinda miss that place. sgh ward 46a. plus having that medication which made me eat like mad. if only that pill didn't cost so much. wouldn't mind eating it.

ok. i'm losing grip.

desire

i think i could have my life back! was close to another episode but somehow i managed to fight it off. i'm so happy. i did it! finally! could this be the start of a new beginning? i hope so. things are once again looking bright. fewer posts here also seem to indicate positivity =)

been on the up and up ever since dear doc increased the anti-depressants. i think now it's beginning to work and i'm feeling much better. better for me, better for all. thank you for your patience in helping me get through those difficult periods. now what i need is continuity. oh please, please, please let me get a bike license.

i hope it's not a false sense of self-belief.