break

took an unofficial week's break from school this past week.really needed the break as i was very close to breaking down. went batam with the family for the weekend. had a good massage but felt under the weather. stomache seemed full of gas and ended up with fever when i came back. really sucks being sick. nothing feels right.

hopefully tomorrow i can restart my schooling engine once again and go for lectures, study etc. exams are in a month's time. not that much time to prepare. but i now think i can do it and pass all my modules, be it with just a D. hopefully it'll turn out well.

floorball's been alright. i feel that i'm regaining my touch and defensive instincts. the timing of my tackles is still a bit off but i'm confident i'll have it sorted out by ivp. speaking of which, i really hope i can make my debut ivp appearance this year. depression robbed me of that last year and year one was purely a learning experience in floorball. one major stumbling block though is the appointment of a new coach dennis. since he doesn't know me and my style of play, i'll have to prove myself all over again but i'm not the only one who needs to do so.

floorball girls having a friendly vs sim tomorrow. will be going down to support them and perhaps ref a bit though i really suck at being a ref. a good ref needs to be decisive and firm with his decisions which i'm not. anyway i hope they can win and sort of avenge the ivp 07/08 finals loss. having trained with them for these few months, i can feel a sense of attachment to them and i really want them to do well and win that elusive gold for this year's ivp.

that's it for now. hopefully my next entry won't be about another hospital stay.

freaking

i am so stressed right now i'm freaking out. i've run out of people to talk to i don't know who else i can turn to. school is really giving me a big headache. i'm really not sure if i'll be able to graduate. i don't want to go back into hospital coz it'll mean i'll miss more lessons and be pushed further behind. but as day turns to night, the longer i'm holding on, the harder it is. hard to control my emotions, hard to fight away the recurring symptoms like having the urge to cut myself. i wish i could just cry. it'll help a lot. but i just cannot find tears in my eyes. everything is stuck inside of me i can't release it. been doing push ups to vent my frustrations but it doesn't help anymore and i can't do anymore push ups. i have this great feeling my life will end up as a failure. the biggest failure of all. it's like in a match, the dying seconds of it, and your team is down by 10 goals. there's no way you can win already. what is the point of fighting anymore i just don't see it. fight for a lost cause? the cause is already lost. there is no gain. losing is everything. everything is lost.

tomorrow is appointment with the good ol doctor. i know he will increase the dosage of my medicines. i doubt he will ward me unless i request to be warded. i said above that i don't wanna go back hospital but there's a small part of me which says it's better if i go. for my own good. but it's still hari raya visiting season. i don't want to rob my family of another season of goodwill and happiness. yet, the feeling i have inside me, it's indescribable.

oh man.. the urge grows ever stronger. =(